The Pathetic World

A Penetrating Idea

2011-05-27T00:49:00.001-07:00

The greatest mistake of penetration is not to have fallen short, but to have gone too far. -Francois de la Rochefoucald.

In recent years anal sex seems to have come out of the closet with more people, both gay and straight. More and more people are asking questions and admitting to having tried and liked it than ever before. This of course begs the question, are more people talking about anal sex or actually having it? The increased comfort of talking and thinking about anal sex probably began when pornographic films started including the act in all of their features and not just their hardcore versions.

The taboo around anal sex is deep and long-standing for heterosexual couples, although the practice is documented and depicted in both Egyptian and Roman civilizations. The discussion amongst health care providers is almost non-existent, dating back to the late 30s in the Kinsey data, in which only 9 percent of respondents admitted to having had anal sex. The associations between anal sex and homosexuality have long been part of the homophobic prejudice that still fills the airwaves.

The question about whether or not to engage in anal sex should come down to only one factor, which is whether you are interested in the experience or not. Preparing for and experiencing this kind of sexual play takes patience, clear communication and true curiosity. It isn’t something to try because you think you should want to or worse still because someone else is pushing you into it. Under the right circumstances, which include patience, extended times of foreplay and arousal, and substantial amounts of good lubricant, many people, (both men and women) report distinct experiences of pleasure, intense orgasmic response and a satisfying fullness from the experience, which makes sense given the wide array of nerve endings that infuse the area.

There is a lot to learn about this kind of sexual practice; reading books or watching a video to prepare for the experience will increase the comfort and decrease the risks involved, which are significant given the bacterial strains that live comfortably in that area of the body, but translate to illness in any other body cavity. Becoming versed in the anatomy of the area is also helpful. This background will help orient you to hands-on exploration and finding out what feels good on and around the exterior of the bottom. Become versed in the safety precautions necessary to not regret this exploration before starting. Taking the safety steps and hygiene requirements seriously is essential for a harmless and pleasurable experience. Condoms and gloves are a must, along with plenty of lubricant.

If there is one rule of thumb that applies to the exploration of anal sex it is to never force. The key to pleasure is the relaxation of the sphincter muscles that allow easy entry (with lubricant). Engaging in multiple types will help to achieve the arousal and opening that makes this play pleasurable. Motion is a different experience in this entry and should be taken with care and communication. The penetrated partner may feel more comfortable if they are initiating and directing the motion. Slow is better than fast and shallow may feel plenty deep. This is a practice that requires immense shared respect, high level capacity to communicate during sex and meticulous attention to hygiene.

Anal sex might never include penetration for you. But just giving yourself permission to explore the many sensations that different kinds of touch can elicit around the bottom may add a spark to your love life that literally turns it upside down.

Adapted from Good Clean Love by Wendy Strgar,

15 Ideas to Nourish Your Soul

2011-05-27T00:29:00.000-07:00

It seems that we try to pack more things to do into our every day but few of these things improve our health or nourish our soul. Here are 15 ideas to help you bring more joy into your days:

1. Brew a pot of herbal tea, sit down with a book or magazine and just take a break from the world.

2. Smile. Even if you don’t want to. Smiling tricks your brain into thinking you’re happy.

3. Call a friend you haven’t spoken to in a while (someone positive who just makes you feel good).

4. Do something nice for someone else. Sometimes just doing a good deed can bring so much joy to both the giver and receiver. You can donate to a charity, take clothes you’re not using to Salvation Army, donate blankets to an animal shelter, pay for a stranger’s coffee at a café, give books to your local library, and so much more.

5. Tend a garden. Don’t have one. Find a way to join or start a community garden. Even if you have a balcony you can grow some flowers or herbs in containers.

6. Go for a walk. Take a route you don’t normally take.

7. Head to the park or a nature trail. Pack a picnic or just enjoy some relaxation on a park bench.

8. Give someone you love a big hug and tell him or her how much you love them.

9. Sing…just for the joy of it. Even if you think you can’t sing, do it anyway. Freeing your voice is a good way to help heal your soul.

10. Say “thank you” to the many people who help you in your day, whether they be a cashier, someone who bags your groceries, a teacher, a spouse, or a child, show them your gratitude.

11. Look for the positive in your daily experiences. I am always astounded at how many people seem to look for things to complain about on the articles they read. Stop looking for the negative.

12. Write a letter. Not just an e-mail, a good old-school letter to a friend or family member. Just receiving a letter from someone can brighten their day too.

13. Turn off the TV. While there are many good shows, too many hours in front of the TV can deplete the soul.

14. Better yet, take a media break. Turn off the computer, cell phone, Blackberry, iPad, and the many other devices we often have clinging to us.

15. Try your hand at an art or craft: painting, pottery, sculpting, knitting, flower design, cake decorating, bread baking, or some other pastime can free your mind of the mundane and help you to develop your creativity.

The Seat of your power..

2011-05-11T21:31:00.000-07:00

Adapted from The Way of the Wizard, by Deepak Chopra

Power is a double-edged sword. Ego power seeks to control and dominate. The wizard’s power is the power of love. The eternal clash of power ends in unity.

The seat of power is the inner self.

Learning to set the ego aside happens in stages. There are many layers of isolation, fear, habit, selfishness, and anger that prevent us from experiencing love as the wizard knows it. The lead role in learning to contact the universal force of love can first be taken by your mind. The mind can take on a new perspective, then the re-education of emotions and beliefs can follow.

What is the basis of the mind’s new viewpoint? Simply that there is a force of love present everywhere, that it can be trusted to bring your own life into order and peace.

The power of love is the power of purity. The word love is used in many ways, but it is a sacred word to the wizard, because his meaning for love is “that which dissolves all impurities, leaving only the true and the real.” “As long as you have fear, you cannot really love,” Merlin cautioned. “As long as you have anger, you cannot truly love. As long as you have selfish ego, you cannot truly love.”

However impure you are, love will seek you out and work on you until you can love.

Healing your inner needs.

2011-05-11T01:43:00.000-07:00

Adapted from The Path to Love, by Deepak Chopra (Three Rivers Press, 1997).

When you heal separation, your needs will not reflect fear and insecurity. All of us bring needs to relationships, but they don’t have to turn into attachment. Attachment is created when needs aren’t understood and faced. Needs you place on your partner never really get resolved. Therefore even if your partner bends over backward to satisfy every need you have, the final outcome will be the same as if none of your needs was met: You will be left to confront why you have such needs. This “why” is answered by examining how you feel about being in separation, for the underlying anxiety of separation from God, spirit, and Self is what created need in the first place.

In many relationships there is a confusing mismatch between what two people actually consider most important. How can neediness be healed when there is constant jockeying over what two people want? We have to make a distinction between external needs, like food and shelter, and inner needs. Inner needs come down to what makes you feel secure.

If you are on two different paths, one way or another the weaker partner will wind up giving in to the stronger, or one of you will repress your true needs in hopes that you will find happiness through sacrifice.

This rarely if ever works.

Giving in to another person’s needs is actually a form of attachment. Having thrown away your own desires, you will be forced to cling to the other person to bring you satisfaction. This is a form of separation from your true identity, and in the end you cannot hope to use separation of any kind to reach unity.

The object is to find the balance of male and female within you rather than take the easy road, which is to attach yourself to someone else’s strengths as a compensation for your weaknesses.

Have a Healing Relationship

2011-03-11T04:25:00.000-08:00

Adapted from The Book of Secrets, by Deepak Chopra (Three Rivers Press, 2004).

A healing relationship is based on awareness; in it both partners work to break old habits that promote suffering. They have to walk a fine line, just as my friend did, because compassion means that you appreciate the suffering someone else is experiencing, as well as your own. Yet at the same time there has to be detachment, making sure that suffering, no matter how real, isn’t the dominant reality. The attitudes that make for a healing relationship become part of a vision you hold for yourself and the other person.

How to Relate When Someone Else is in Pain
I have sympathy for you. I know what you’re going through.
You don’t have to feel a certain way just to make me happy.
I will help you get through this.
You don’t have to be afraid that you are driving me away.
I don’t expect you to be perfect. You aren’t letting me down.
This pain you are going through isn’t the real you.
You can have the space you need, but I won’t let you be alone.
I will be as real with you as I can be.
I won’t be afraid of you, even though you may be afraid of your pain.
I will do all I can to show you that life is still good and joy still possible.
I can’t take your pain on as my responsibility.
I won’t let you hold on to your pain—we are here to get through this.
I will take your healing as seriously as my own well-being.

As you can see, there are subtle pitfalls in these attitudes. When relating to someone in pain, you have to extend yourself and yet remain within boundaries at the same time. “I feel your pain, and yet it’s not mine” is a tricky stance; it can tip either way. You can become so involved in the pain that you turn into an enabler. Or you can hide behind your own boundaries and shut out the person who is suffering. A healing relationship maintains the proper balance.

Sexual Inititiation and Rejection

2011-03-07T01:57:00.000-08:00

The health of our intimate life has its home in our ability to access and expand our capacity for sexual desire and arousal. This mysterious process is the result of a complex range of internal experiences that includes everything from hormonal stimulation to a prehistoric form of communication lodged in our sense of smell. Our ability to access our sexuality is a complex equation which arises from the static and changeable aspects of our history, our biology and our current relationship. The match or mismatch of two partner’s abilities to answer this need for each other is the foundation of the joy or frustration that their intimate life provides.

In my own marriage, we suffered through years of what often becomes one of the most hurtful and significant battles in a relationship–the initiation question. On the surface, the question may be playful “How about a date tonight?” or “Have any plans around midnight…?” But when the requests come continuously from one partner and are rebuffed continuously by the other partner, the question is no longer playful and the responses begin to reflect all that remains unsaid. The classic, “I am not in the mood” or “I am too tired” create a cycle of defensive and offensive reactions almost like a pre-patterned dance.

Feeling wanted sexually carries so many meanings and has a great deal of emotional baggage attached, a lot of it is unspoken even to ourselves. The weight of these unspoken messages can start to feel like an invisible third person at the party. Shame of rejection is not a lot easier to bear than the shame of chronic lack of desire. It is important to realize that there is no winning side of this fence: the shame of rejection is really no better than the guilt of turning away. The pain is equal.

The first thing that helps to stop this cycle is to identify it. Find a neutral time to bring up the topic and agree to look at the issue from a distance, almost as though you were talking about people you both knew. This can be difficult to do, especially if the conversation is overdue. The moment you can both see the patterns that your intimacy falls into, there is a peace that comes from not being alone with it. This doesn’t solve the problem, but it allows you to create a new relationship to it- one of witness and investigator rolled into one- it makes you take time to learn to separate your feelings from the event.

Once you have both been able to see the issue from both sides, you can slowly unpack your feelings and start to see, what it means to you and to your partner to be sexually desired and to feel sexual desire. It is really important to keep these discussions in the present tense. Don’t be tempted to justify your behavior and feelings from before, because that will remove the possibility of healing in this moment…and keep in mind, by healing the present moment, you automatically heal the past.

This is not a quick fix solution and it doesn’t alleviate the push/pull roller coaster of living in a relationship, but by working to take out the sting and pain of rejection, abandonment and whatever else has been attached to these swings, you allow yourself the joy of exploring them.

2 years later, my partner and I still pass the weight of relating and intimacy back and forth, on a squeaky but functional pulley that we have both come to understand and appreciate. It’s a relief now that we have the freedom to invite an interlude without the fear that saying no will start another battle. Allowing yourself and your partner this freedom is a gift that will repay you many times over in discovering the joy and spontaneity of taking turns

50 Ways You Can Create a Better Day

2010-05-18T10:39:00.000-07:00

Every now and then I wake up in a crappy mood, feeling totally unmotivated and not wanting to do anything or see anyone. It could be due to something bad happening the previous day, or it could be due to nothing at all. I just feel crabby for no reason. Weird, I know. But, I'm sure you know what I mean. Everyone has experienced dreadful waking moments in the past.

In fact, it is not really surprising that a lot of people nowadays feel bad the moment they wake up. If you are bombarded with negative news like the recent airplane crotch-bomb threat and the Haiti earthquake, it is little wonder that you'd feel the world is all doom and gloom.

However, it is worth noting that you can actually make your day better no matter what situation you have in life. So, in order to overcome that awful feeling to make my day a rich and beautiful one, I apply a few or more of the following tips throughout the day.

Here are 50 tips to set you on your way to a better day. Do yourself a favor and don't try more than a handful of these in a single day. In fact, put these ideas in a hat and pick one randomly the next time you get in a funk.

Think Positive Thoughts Before You Sleep
The quality of sleep you get the night before can affect your mood the next day. Thus, if you want to create a better day tomorrow, you have to make sure that you think only positive things before you go to bed at night. Do not fret about your mortgage problems or dwell on the bad things that happened to you during the day. You need a good night's rest in order to prepare your mind and body for the busy day ahead.
Tell yourself That Today is a Better Day
The first thing that you should say to yourself the moment you wake up is that today will be great and marvelous. Know that you have control of what kind of day you will have. Telling yourself that today is going to be a great day will give you a positive attitude and a winner's outlook. The power of the mind is strong so feed your mind with positive things.
Wake Up a Few Minutes Earlier
If you want to get out of bed at 6AM, set the alarm for 5:45 and then allow 15 minutes for your body and mind to adjust and wake up. At 6, hop out of bed! Waking up late and rushing through things will increase your heart rate and simply stress you out. On top of that, you'll inevitably forget to do something and then stress about that too!
Take It Easy
Take things easy. Breathe deeply and slowly. If you are feeling rushed, take a deep breath and remind yourself that in the big scheme of life, being a minute late is pretty small.
Keep a Mental Note of the Things You Need to Do
It is always a good thing to try to keep a list of the things that you ought to do or accomplish for the day. If you are forgetful, you should write these things down. Aside from the things that you need to do at the office, you also need to remember those that you need to do for your family or friends. Write them all down so that you can manage your time wisely throughout the day.
Get Some Inspiration
Do not expect manna to come down from heaven. If you want to create a better day, you have to make a conscious effort to achieve things. Give yourself a boost with some inspiration. Be sure to read, listen or watch something that can perk your day up. Sometimes, just seeing your child laugh is enough to make your heart smile.
Eat a Healthy Breakfast
Your mood for the day can actually be affected by the things that you do and eat. In order to jump start your day and prepare your mind and body for the busy day ahead, you need to have a power breakfast. Make sure that you eat something healthy. Whole grains, protein, and fruits can surely give you the nutrients that you need to do the things that you need to accomplish for the day.
Some Stretching Will Do You Good
Stretching and exercising your muscles will also help in jumpstarting your system. If you wake up sluggish, you need some exercise and stretching to perk up your day. Besides, stretching and exercising can also prevent muscle cramps and other aches that can ruin your mood for the day.
Pay Attention to your Hygiene and Appearance
One of the things that people are conscious about is their appearance. To ensure you won't feel insecure, make sure to take a bath, wear clean clothes and pay attention to your face and grooming. If you know that you look presentable, you will feel empowered and confident.
Compliment Yourself
Say good things about yourself. Do not be afraid to compliment yourself once in a while. However, be careful not to be conceited because people hate narcissistic individuals.
Adopt a Positive Attitude
Before you step out of the house, make it a conscious effort to be positive in all things you do. Tell yourself that you will stay positive throughout the day.

Exert Some Effort to Smile
Studies show that smiling, even if there is no reason to do it, can lift up your mood. Besides, a smile can make you look even more attractive.
Try Not To Be Reactive
There is a tendency for men to react to everything negatively, especially on the road. Thus, you should try not to be reactive, especially when you are driving. If somebody cuts you on the road, just let it pass and think that the other guy may be having a bad day. Or just be please that you are not as rude as that individual.
Count to Ten to Keep You from Exploding
If you think that you are going to get mad, count to ten to calm your nerves. This will let some steam out.
Think before You Act
Many people end up feeling remorse after they have done nasty things without thinking. To prevent feeling guilty and remorseful, think first before you do something.
Don't Take Things Too Seriously
Not everything that you hear people say about you should be taken seriously. Some people just like being nasty so you should not get affected with what they are saying.
Be More Attentive to People
In order to minimize altercations or misunderstandings, it would really be a good thing to listen attentively to what others are saying. Being attentive will also help you come across as being sincere, thus making you more likable. Of course, don't do it for the sake of being likable. Be genuine in it.

Look at People and Situations in a Positive Light
You really can't prevent bad things from happening. Sometimes shit does happen. In order not to let these things ruin your day, try to look for the silver lining in everything.

Give Compliments to Other People
Make a conscious effort to compliment other people. This will help build better relationships. Just make sure that you are complimenting them genuinely.

Manage Your Time Wisely
A good day can turn bad if you feel stressed out. Thus, manage your time wisely to ensure that everything that you need to do can be accomplished with time to spare.

Take a Break
To prevent being burned out, you should take a break once in a while. Try walking around the office or doing some stretching while you are in your desk every time you are feeling a bit drained.

Deal with Things the Mature Way
Do not be petty and do not act like a child. You are an adult so try to do things maturely.

Laugh a Lot
Laughter can pick up your mood. Just do not laugh at other people's mistakes.

Consider Inputs from Other People
Take time listening to the suggestions and inputs of other people. Even if you are the manager or head of your department, you need other people's contributions too.

Grab Fruit Instead of a Bar of Chocolate
Fruits can surely wake you up in the middle of the day, whereas a bar of chocolate will just give you energy spike for a few minutes. So, you will end up feeling even more tired and sleepy.

Always Do Your Best
You will not have regrets if you know that you have given your all in everything that you do.

Don't Wallow in Sorrow and Defeat
Nobody is perfect and sometimes you need to experience losses and defeats to learn. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, use these negative things to make you a better person.

Stay Away From Negative People
Negative people can just pull you down so there is really no point in spending your time with them. Stay away from them whenever possible. If they happen to be your mates, seek to inspire them. If that won't do, perhaps it's time to find yourself new mates.

Be Courteous and Kind
Doing other people some good will give you a warm and fuzzy feeling. And also make you more likable.

Build Bridges and Develop Friendships
Having enemies can surely drain your energy, whereas building friendships can make your support team bigger and stronger.

Be Careful with What You Say
It is often hard to take back the bad things that you say, so you need to be careful with your words.

Take Time to Stop and Smell the Flowers
You can enhance your mood by counting your blessings and seeing the good in other people, things or situations.

Learn to Pace Your Energy
You need to be careful with energy bursts and crashes. Try not to exhaust yourself in the morning because you will surely have a nasty and tiring afternoon if you do.

Incorporate Exercise Throughout the Day
Exercise can give you a “high” because endorphins are released after a good workout.

Wear Comfortable Shoes
It is very hard to stay positive if your feet are hurting. I've seen too many of my female friends wear heels that hurt their feet just because they look good.

Drink Plenty of Water
Dehydration can cause lethargy. So avoid it at all costs.

Pay Attention to What You Eat
Eating junk food can contribute to mood swings. So eat moderately.

Go Easy on the Coffee
Too much coffee can make you nervous and fidgety.

Treat Yourself
Be sure to give yourself small rewards every time you did well. We all need to give ourselves a nice pat on the shoulders to give ourselves a little encouragement.

Plan the Next Day before Going Home
Before you head home, make a list of the things that you need to accomplish in the office the following day.

Spend Quality Time with the People You Love
Don't take anyone for granted. Sustain your relationships. Spending quality time together is the best way to keep and improve relationships.

Keep in Touch With Friends and Family
If you live alone, calling your loved ones or just dropping by to say 'hi' can lift your spirit as well as theirs.

Have a Hobby
To keep your mind off your work, do something that you love outside your office work.

Have No Regrets
You cannot go back in time so you cannot undo the things that you have done. Instead, make a conscious effort to make things better in the future.

Keep a Journal
Writing things and ideas down can help you to keep track of your goals and remember things you've learned and observations you've made. And it can also help you figure out new directions for your life and then guide you as you go.

Take a Relaxing Bath
After a stressful day, a relaxing bath can help you go to sleep comfortably.

Prepare the Things You Need Before You Go to Sleep
This will help make tomorrow less stressful because you won't feel at a lost of what to do. Being prepared always help you to stay focused and assured.

Get in the Mood to Sleep
Do the things that can help you go to sleep early because a restful sleep can help you improve your mood for the next day. Reading a book before bed or listening to soft music helps me to sleep better.

Make Love
Making love can also release endorphins and help you have a good night's sleep. Plus, it helps to improve your relationship. Of course, I don't expect you to do it every day.

Go to Bed Early
Try to go to bed early and get enough sleep to prepare yourself for the day ahead tomorrow. You don't want to wake up the next day feeling like a zombie.

Have You Ever Been Dumped Have You Dumped Someone else ???

2010-04-14T20:08:00.000-07:00

It's hard to accept when the other person just stops loving you.. You cannot move on until you stop obsessing, but that's easier said than done, right? Here's what worked for me...Tell the person to bug off. Just as you must cease contact with the object of your affection, he or she must cease contact with you. Tell this person you're not ready to be friends (see more) and you don't know if you ever will be. Any patronizing emails they send inquiring to your well-being will be left unread and marked as SPAM.
Write down all the things that bothered you. After being dumped, it's natural to idealize the dumper. We remember the happy events and tender moments, but we forget about the time he was chatting away with a blob of scrambled egg stuck to his lip, or how mascara used to crumble in her eye sockets. We forget about the stack of Victoria's Secret catalogs he kept on his night table, or her fondness for using four-letter words in 4-Star restaurants. Nobody is perfect. Everybody has faults, so write down a list of the object of your affection's worst traits and pull it out every time that scene of the two of you fooling around at sunrise pops into your head. Tape a copy to your bathroom mirror while you're at it, so you see it first thing in the morning.
Throw out all reminders. It doesn't even have to be a gift. It could be a book you discussed, a bottle of wine you shared that's still on your kitchen counter, or the sheets you slept on together. Treat yourself by replacing everything. Start fresh.
Turn off the radio. You're minding your own business, doing quite well, thank you, when all of a sudden some song comes on the radio that reminds you of the object of your obsession. Change the channel. Snap off the radio. Act fast, or in an instant you will be back where you started, treading the cycle of being in love, jilted, depressed, hopeful, and delusional.